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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26183470">I Wouldn't Change You For The World</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MalecAcid/pseuds/MalecAcid'>MalecAcid</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Umbrella Academy (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Ben Hargreeves Deserves Better, Ben Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Gen, I wrote most of this instead of sleeping, Klaus Hargreeves Deserves Better, Klaus Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Major Spoilers, No Incest, Possession, THIS HAS SEASON TWO SPOILERS, idk how to tag, okay im done kfkxkdk, season two spoilers, this is your warning</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 05:09:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,479</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26183470</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MalecAcid/pseuds/MalecAcid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>MAJOR SEASON TWO SPOILERS </p><p>~^~</p><p>Ben ran at him, expecting to be able to push him to the ground, only to go inside of him, through him. </p><p>~^~</p><p>Ben possesses Klaus. He doesn't know if he wishes that he hadn't</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ben Hargreeves &amp; Diego Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves &amp; Klaus Hargreeves</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>99</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I Wouldn't Change You For The World</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>MAJOR SEASON  TWO SPOILERS </p><p>~^~</p><p>So yeah :') I'm crying kfkdksks and I hope this makes you cry &gt;:)) </p><p>This is half perspectives fic half fix it jfjdksks everything is basically the same kinda except I changed the sex joke (the 'I'm a virgin part) bc it made me uncomfy and I slightly change the part where Diego was saying Ben should stay in that body but yeah kfksksk I hope you like it 🥺🥺</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ben felt like he was going to die. </p><p>Well, that wasn't exactly true. He knew that he was already dead, so technically he didn't feel like he was going to die again. He more so felt overwhelmed. </p><p>It had only been for a second. He hadn't meant to. Didn't even know that he could, and he didn't know if he regretted what he did, or if he was happy about it. </p><p>Ben didn't know if he'd rather continue having the coldness of death, the unfeeling, the muffled senses, or, if he'd rather have a taste of life, only to have it ripped away and constantly craving more. </p><p>It was only for a second. A split second. It felt like less. It felt like more. </p><p>He was in. He felt the wind coming out the open window on the far side of the room, felt it breeze through hair that wasn't his. He felt the floor beneath his feet, felt gravity pulling him down, felt himself begin to fall to the floor, actually fall, out of his own accord. Then, he was out. </p><p>He wanted <i>more</i>. He wanted to feel the wind again. Wanted to feel gravity pulling him down, making him heavy. He wanted to <i>talk to someone</i>. Anyone. He wanted to feel the grass under his fingers, feel the dirt between his toes. He wanted to eat, wanted to feel, wanted to live life without a barrier. Wanted to help save the world, save his siblings. </p><p>It was only a second. Only a split second. It felt like less. It felt like <i>more</i>. It felt like the only slice of life he's ever experienced. It felt like his seventeen years of life, seventeen years of afterlife, didn't matter. Only the second did. The split second. </p><p>He didn't mean to, that first time. </p><p>He was mad. </p><p>No, he wasn't just mad. He was <i>hurt</i>. </p><p>Being associated with the one person who has affected his life in ways that cannot be reversed, in ways that he thinks about every single day. It hurt. He didn't want to be associated with Reginald. He didn't want to be like his father. </p><p>He couldn't exactly say that to Klaus, though. Couldn't allow himself to show that, couldn't let Klaus win. So, instead, he ran at him, intent on starting another slap fight like the one they'd had on the road not too many days ago. </p><p>Ben ran at him, expecting to be able to push him to the ground, only to go inside of him, through him. </p><p>It was a second. A split second. If someone with the ability to see the dead had been watching, they would've thought that Ben had only ran through Klaus, rather than inside and out. </p><p>It was… weird. Really weird. </p><p>At first, he didn't notice the wind, the floor, the feeling. In the moment, he was a little preoccupied. He only noticed it later, the phantom feelings of wind blowing against his face, gravity pulling him down. </p><p>At first, he only felt the prickles. Prickles against his skin. He felt himself be forcibly thrown to the ground after a second of the painful stabbing feeling. </p><p>Standing immediately from the place on the floor that he had fallen to, Ben whipped around to see Klaus kneeling on the floor, shaking as he wrapped his arms around himself. </p><p>"Jesus, Ben." His words were clipped as he shook. "What did you do?" </p><p>Ben scrunched his face up as he held his hands out by his sides in disbelief. "I think… I think I was… inside of you." He shook his hands as he groaned in disgust. </p><p>He opened his mouth to say something else, but snapped it shut as Jill and Dave walked into the room. Ben watched as they talked to Klaus, then watched as they all trailed out of the room. He sighed, plopping down onto one of the pillow seats and resting his head on one of his hands, taking the other and running it over the top of the pillow. He sighed in frustration at the illusion of feeling and tried to shake off the phantom feeling of the wind as he laid fully on the pillow, squeezing his eyes shut while he waited for Klaus to return.</p>
<hr/><p>It's not that he was <i>trying</i> to avoid the topic of the possession after that, it's just that there was no time for heart to hearts, considering the fact that the world was ending and all. </p><p>Klaus had gone with Dave, only to come back with a letter to meet dad himself, the mention of him making Ben's heart sting as Klaus read the letter aloud while Ben read along over his shoulder. So no, there really was no time to talk about what had happened. </p><p>The dinner with Reginald had gone to shit. It wasn't that that outcome was unexpected, it's just that Ben had expected at least a little help from the not-so-old man. </p><p>Seeing him for the first time in years, ignoring the fact that he was dead, made Ben's heart clench in not only anger, but also fear. He thought that he was done, thought that he wouldn't have to deal with his father, his abuser, ever again. Obviously, he was wrong. </p><p>To be fair, jumping into possessing Klaus as the room had gone silent after only barely doing it once wasn't his best idea. But he'd wanted to <i>do</i> something. </p><p>And this time, he finally had a way to. He finally had a chance to help in some way. And he fucked it up. </p><p>Yeah, sure, it wasn't his best idea, but it was all he had. The silence was awful, and the tear that fell from Diego's eye down his cheek was what moved Ben to jump forward into Klaus after the silence lasted decidedly a second too long. </p><p>But, all he succeeded in doing was making things worse. The thing was, he didn't <i>know</i> how to possess people. Didn't even know that he could do it until that same morning, so how was he supposed to know that you had to do it a certain way? </p><p>He jumped in, and immediately started shaking violently beyond both his and Klaus' control. He thought that maybe he looked like Klaus did when he possessed him for the first time. His hands were stuck in the air as he shook, and he turned towards Reginald, ignoring his siblings words as he tried to get a noise out. </p><p>"I'm…" He started, unable to get much more sound out as his throat stayed seemingly clamped shut. </p><p>"Spit it out boy!" Reginald said harshly, and Ben pushed away the feeling of dread at the way he sounded exactly like he did when they were kids, and instead continued on in his attempt to speak. </p><p>"Be-" </p><p>He was cut off before he could finish the word, pushed harshly out of Klaus' body and onto the floor, knocked out for a few seconds. </p><p>Ben couldn't say that that wasn't nice. It was the first time he had been anywhere near asleep in seventeen years, and it would probably be the last. He relished those seconds for a few moments as he woke, shooting up from his spot on the floor and looking around to see Five and Reginald gone, along with a groaning Klaus, a shirtless Luther, and all around, disappointed siblings. </p><p>"Fuck." He rubbed at his eyes harshly before standing up as all of the siblings started to walk towards the elevator, Luther dragging Klaus by his foot from behind him as Ben trailed after them, slipping into the elevator before the doors were able to shut on him. </p><p>He hadn't felt as much that time, he decided as he contemplated what had happened. The feeling of prickles along his body was stronger and longer than before, and he was so focused on his attempts to speak that even later he couldn't remember anything but the feeling of the prickles and his throat clamping shut. </p><p>In the elevator, he ignored his siblings' quiet conversations and instead huffed a sigh at the sight of a moaning Klaus on the elevator floor. </p><p>"I feel so… violated." Ben rolled his eyes. "I need an herbal bath." He moved his eyes from the floor to glare at Ben. "You had no right to possess me."</p><p>"Oh, possession is a strong word." Ben reasoned. "I'd like to say I… borrowed you." He sighed. "Temporarily." </p><p>The rest of the elevator ride was silent as Ben continued to question whether or not he regretted it. Whether or not he'd rather have the experience again only to later on crave the feeling of the world, or to never have had it and not feel so alone.</p>
<hr/><p>Messing with Klaus is probably one of Ben's favorite things to do. </p><p>Well, it's not like he could do much else, but he didn't really want to think about that as he sat across the room from the person he was trying to convince. </p><p>Ben wanted to <i>feel</i> again. He wanted to eat and be able to taste it, he wanted to talk to someone that wasn't Klaus, wanted to touch someone in a way that didn't end up in a slap fight. He wanted to see his siblings again, wanted to talk to them. Wanted to be <i>seen</i>.</p><p>It's not as if he could tell Klaus these things, though. So instead, he settled for messing with him. Which was just as amusing as he thought it was going to be. </p><p>It's not that he was actually going to possess Klaus in his sleep, or without his consent. He wanted to feel, wanted to interact with the world, but he also wasn't willing to be that much of an asshole to get to that point. If he was going to do that, he would've been in Klaus' body already. </p><p>So, instead of just letting Klaus sleep like the nice brother he should be, he's decided to make Klaus' night just a little bit harder, because, why not? </p><p>"Sorry to disappoint Benny boy but you are not getting into this body." He said, holding back a yawn. "No, no way." </p><p>"Well." Ben gave him a sarcastic smile. "You're going to have to fall asleep eventually." He smiled again, and blew him a kiss, getting an eye roll in response. </p><p>"This is nothing. Once in Rio, I spent eight straight days up." He clutched the tea closer to him as he spoke and Ben raised an eyebrow as a drop of it spilled onto his shirt. </p><p>"Without chemical assistance?" </p><p>"The point is," Klaus quickly cut in. "I'm not gonna let you win." At the end of his sentence, Klaus started to fall forward slightly, his eyes drooping closed. Ben grinned evilly and slowly moved forward to sit on a closer pillow. </p><p>He must've made a noise when he sat down, because when he did Klaus shot up with a gasp, ignoring the tea dripping onto his shirt in favor of glaring at an even closer Ben. </p><p>"God," He growled. "I hate your face." </p><p>"I hate all of you." He countered as Klaus started to drift off again. </p><p>He walked quietly forward and sat down on an even closer pillow just as Klaus shot his head up, spilling even more tea on his shirt in the process. </p><p>Before Klaus could say anything, he began to drift off once again as Ben shushed him. </p><p>"It's okay." He said softly, attempting to hold back his laughter as Klaus started to drop his tea. "Go to sleep." When his eyes fully closed, Ben came even closer, resting his head on his hand right in front of Klaus' face, keeping his own expression monotone as he stared at him. </p><p>The clock at the head of the room decided to chime in that moment, and Klaus' eyes opened quickly, only to see Ben and flinch backwards, spilling the rest of the tea onto himself as he groaned. </p><p>"Hey! Ben! Jesus…" Klaus scooted back before looking at Ben miserably. "Would you please just… look, I'm going through a lot right now-"</p><p>Ben cut him off. "Oh you're always going through a lot." </p><p>"Ben-uhh." He whined as he threw his hands in the air, and Ben fixed him with an unimpressed look as he continued. "The love of my life's gonna die and I can't do anything to stop it. I've tried every trick in the time-travelers playbook. I told him I loved him… I told him his future." </p><p>Ben sighed. "And the only thing you succeeded in doing is freaking him out."</p><p>Klaus groaned. "God, I hate this. Not being able to do anything."</p><p>"Klaus," Ben started "the way you feel right now is the way I feel every day." In hindsight, maybe going with guilt-tripping at a moment like this wasn't a great tactic. But Ben hadn't had hindsight at that moment, so he continued anyway. </p><p>"All I do is watch you make the same mistakes over and over and over and over and over again." He sighed as he looked at Klaus. "Welcome to powerlessness." </p><p>"Oh my god, that must suck." Ben turned his gaze to the floor. "I'm sorry." Klaus managed to sound sincere, and Ben pushed away his own guilt to lean forward with a grin. </p><p>"Wanna make it up to me?" </p><p>"Noooooo you cannot <i>possess</i> me!" </p><p>"Come on," He begged. "Just for a few minutes?" </p><p>"Why. What's so damn important-"</p><p>"Jill." He blurted out. "I wanna… I wanna talk to her." </p><p>"Jill… is that the Moroccan girl… with a limp?"</p><p>Ben shook his head as he sighed. "No. We've… been over this."</p><p>Klaus leaned back against the pillows squeezing his eyes shut. "I rarely listen to what you have to say-"</p><p>"<i>Klaus</i>" </p><p>"Fine." He huffed, and Ben grinned, moving forward quickly only to be stopped by Klaus who grabbed the sides of his jacket, shaking him slightly as he spoke. "But first we have to set some ground rules." </p><p>Ben sighed before leaning back against the pillows, gesturing for Klaus to go on. </p><p>He only stood quickly in response, clapping his hands together as he jumped up, dread written all over his face as he walked out the door, Ben getting up to trail after him. </p><p>They walked into the main hall, and Klaus waved away his cult with a scowl as they started walking up to him before turning to Ben and speaking. </p><p>"Okay so first off," He grabbed at his hair. "Don't mess with my hair, I'm really liking my look right now…" Ben rolled his eyes as Klaus contemplated for a moment before speaking again. "Oh! And no touchy-touchy down there." Ben shook his head, pulling a look of disgust while Klaus continued. "Well… maybe I wouldn't mind, but just don't look because I'm shy." They came up to face the main doors, and before Klaus opened them, he turned to face Ben with a slightly serious look. </p><p>"Also no dairy, trust me on that one." He chuckled a bit as he threw open the doors, dread returning on his face as he moved to stand across from Ben who was shaking his hands in preparation. </p><p>Ben paused for a second, and took a second to give Klaus a small smile. "Thank you." He said genuinely. </p><p>The dread continued to grow on Klaus' face as he shook his head minutely. "Yeah, yeah, just… just get it over with." </p><p>Ben ran forward, jumping into Klaus. He shook for a moment before going still as he pushed away the feeling of prickles. </p><p>Looking down at his hands, Ben saw the hello and goodbye tattoos and curled his fingers into his palms before grinning and looking back up to the open doors. </p><p>He took a stumbling step forward, not used to gravity pulling him down. Not used to the world registering him in this plane of existence. </p><p>He lifted his foot and shook it slightly in an attempt to get used to the way the world perceived him now, only to shrug and take another step forward. </p><p>As he stepped outside, the wind blew against him, and he squeezed his eyes shut. He felt the wind breeze through his now-long hair, through his long clothing. </p><p>He was overwhelmed, but in the best way possible. He could feel the ground beneath his feet. Actually <i>feel</i> it. Not just some muted version of touch that he had gotten for the past seventeen years. </p><p>Ben opened his eyes again when the wind stopped, and looked around, unable to hold back the giggle that slipped past not-his lips as he stepped forward. </p><p>It was weird, he could hear things. He could always hear things, but now he didn't have to focus on a specific thing. The sounds rang out all around him and he was able to process every single one. He hadn't even known that a part of his hearing was gone until that moment. </p><p>People were actually <i>acknowledging</i> him. People that weren't Klaus. Well, technically, they thought that they were talking to Klaus, calling out to Ben, calling him the prophet, asking for words of wisdom, but he just waved them off. </p><p>The thing was, though, they actually <i>saw</i> him wave them off. People could see him now, and they actually <i>listened</i>. He didn't think that he could blame Klaus for the cult anymore, after that. After relishing in the overwhelming feeling that not only were people seeing him, they were listening to him too. </p><p>He walked down the garden path slowly, appreciating the way gravity pulled at him with every step. Placing his hands on the gate, he paused for a moment, gripping the textured wood tightly with his hands before pushing it open and closing his eyes as he walked forward. </p><p>(And temperature, he had only realized later. He had forgotten what temperature was like. When he was eventually out of Klaus' body, he closed his eyes and tried to remember the way his skin had sweat, the hot breeze making not-his clothes uncomfortable. Not that he had noticed in the moment.) </p><p>He opened his eyes again and his gaze immediately landed on the orange tree only a few meters away from him. Ben grinned at the sight and walked forward quicker than before. </p><p>Arriving at the tree, he immediately reached up to pick the largest orange from a branch. He couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten, let alone eaten an orange. He took it between his hands and tore it in half, exposing the edible part beneath the peel. Ben didn't think that that was really how you were supposed to open up an orange, but he didn't care. </p><p>He couldn't hold back his small noise of excitement before he went to sink his teeth into the orange, taking a large bite of it and letting the taste overpower the rest of his senses. </p><p>He made a face at the overwhelming citrus flavor and threw the remainder of the orange on the ground, choking down the rest that was in his mouth as he continued walking forward. Ben had forgotten that he didn't like oranges. He didn't know why that realization made him so sad. </p><p>He shook those thoughts off as he continued to walk along the path. He would get more chances to eat other foods, anyways. </p><p>Ben had only walked for a few more seconds before his eyes landed on a part of the garden where a large amount of the cult was condensed. He looked over curiously before noticing that they were digging around in an unfinished part of the garden, and he started to walk over quickly. </p><p>They moved out of the way as he came up and waved them off, beginning to take not-his boots and socks off as soon as he spotted the mound of dirt. </p><p>As Ben walked forward slowly, feeling the grass beneath his feet for the first time in seventeen years, maybe more, he sighed and closed his eyes. When he finally walked into the dirt, he curled his toes into it even more than before. He squeezed his eyes shut even tighter than before and sighed again. </p><p>He wiggled his toes for a second more and opened his eyes as he grinned. </p><p>"I love dirt." He said softly, dropping to his knees into the pile and then falling to his stomach, moving his arms and legs back and forth, forming his first ever dirt angel. </p><p>As he lied there, he attempted to push away all other senses in favor of focusing on his now enhanced touch. </p><p>He couldn't deal with the overwhelming taste of the dirt slipping into his mouth, the smell of the flowers around him, the way he could hear everything and the feel of the dirt all at once. So, he pushed everything away and attempted to lose himself in the pile of dirt. Which is why he couldn't hear the footsteps coming up behind him. </p><p>"Hello?" The voice suddenly sounded questioningly, and Ben shot up to face the sound to see Jill, her smile lighting up her face as she watched him, the sun making her skin glow. </p><p>"Oh." He said softly. "Hello, Jill." He watched as she took another small step forward. </p><p>"Mind if I join you?" She questioned, gesturing towards the dirt mound, and Ben tried not to smile too wide. </p><p>"No! I mean… yeah! Of course." He cursed himself mentally for his awkwardness before scooting to the side and laying back down as Jill laughed while she took off her own shoes and laid next to him. </p><p>They laughed together as their arms moved back and forth in the dirt. Ben felt a shock go up not-his arm every time their hands brushed. It had been so long since he had been touched in a way that wasn't a shove, or a slap fight. It had been so long since he had been touched without the blanket of numbness that came with being a ghost. That came with being dead. </p><p>He pushed the thoughts away. For now, he just wanted to relish in the way the dirt felt between his fingers, the way Jill seemed to enjoy his company like no one had in a very long time. </p><p>They only lied there for a few more seconds before Jill sat up and turned to face him, crossing her legs together as she waited for him to do the same. </p><p>When he did, she giggled a bit before pointing to his face. Ben brought his hand up to feel the dirt stuck to it and brushed it off quickly, embarrassment written all over him as Jill laughed. </p><p>She looked excited for a moment before she spoke. "The fresh strawberries have been picked from the bushes prophet." Ben sighed. "We could… go get some?" </p><p>"Yeah." He said pulling a tired smile, dampening down his excitement of trying a food he hadn't in seventeen years in favor of reminding himself that no one would ever really know it was him. Could never really know it was him. "That sounds nice." </p><p>She smiled widely, and his dimmed mood brightened at the sight as she jumped up from her spot on the ground. She brushed the dirt off her clothes before reaching her hand out to Ben. He smiled and grabbed it, allowing her to pull him up and towards the tables set up a few meters away. </p><p>As he walked closer to the table, he immediately noticed the bowls set up on it. Looking inside one, he saw several strawberries and his mouth watered at the sight. He was going to <i>eat</i> them. He was going to eat something he might like the taste of for the first time in almost two decades. </p><p>He moved forward eagerly and grabbed the fullest bucket of strawberries before walking quickly back to the concrete area of the garden, ignoring the people reaching out to him as Jill trailed behind him. </p><p>Ben plopped down onto a pillow and crossed his legs, setting the bucket of strawberries on his lap and immediately sticking his hand in to grab one while Jill moved to sit across from him, giving him a strange look. </p><p>He ignored the look in favor of picking up a strawberry, holding it in his hand awkwardly as he tried to remember what he was supposed to do. It's not his fault that Klaus doesn't eat that many fruits and he couldn't pick up any of his own. </p><p>Ben was about to move forward to eat it when Jill began to laugh. He moved the strawberry away from his face to look at her questioningly, a small and unsure smile on his face. </p><p>"What?" He laughed a bit, and she raised an eyebrow. </p><p>"Have you never eaten a strawberry before?" He huffed a sigh and rested his hands on top of the bucket in his lap while he shook his head.</p><p>"No no, I've eaten one. It's just… been a while." A long while, but it's not like Jill had to know that. It's not like Jill <i>could</i> know that. </p><p>Ben brought the strawberry back up to his face and ate the whole thing, throwing the top of it into the grass beside him as he closed his eyes at the overwhelming but sweet and sugary taste. He liked strawberries. He really liked strawberries. </p><p>He opened his eyes again as Jill giggled across from him. </p><p>"You're different today." She said, smiling brightly. </p><p>Ben sat up straighter than before. "Really?" He questioned. "How so?" </p><p>She looked contemplative for a moment and he held his breath in anticipation before she spoke. </p><p>"You're… dorkier." He slumped down, letting out a quiet 'oh' before she suddenly backtracked. "No! No, I like it." </p><p>He looked back up towards her, a hint of admiration in his eyes. "You know," He started. "I haven't been able to take my eyes off you since you joined." </p><p>"I don't  believe you."</p><p>"It's true." He insisted. "You love your garden, you sing to your turnips. You're so good with people. Everybody comes to you for advice, and you give it so freely," He rambled on while she chuckled. "And I love the way you tug on your earlobe when you read." Ben noticed that she did that the first day she joined. He did the same thing. </p><p>She laughed softly as her hand moved towards her ear. "I had to buy a cream for it."</p><p>"I know." He leaned forward as they giggled together. </p><p>"Can I…" He paused as she looked at him before continuing. "Can I smell your hair." </p><p>She smiled hesitantly as she breathed out a quiet, "Sure." And leaned forward. </p><p>Ben closed his eyes as he smelled her hair and Jill spoke. "God, you're incredible."</p><p>He smiled and leaned back. "You're incredible too."</p><p>She leaned forward again and focused her gaze on him. "Wanna do it?" </p><p>"Do what?" </p><p>"Have sex."  She said quickly. "The holy union of our multiple spirits." </p><p>"Sure, but," He stuttered. "Uh-"</p><p>"But what?" </p><p>"Uh, there's something you need to know-" He was cut off by definitely-not-his hand slapping him and the numbing of his senses beginning to come back as Klaus attempted to stop him. Ben didn't want the numbness to come back. Didn't want the cold. </p><p>"Are you okay?" Jill asked, and Ben pushed the arm that had slapped him down with his other arm. </p><p>"Yeah, never been better." </p><p>"Good." Jill moved forward quickly, and wrapped her arms around Ben's neck as he tried to not automatically push her away at the overwhelming feeling of so much contact so suddenly and all at once. </p><p>"Jill you don't," Ben searched for something to say. "You don't know the real me." He had no idea where he was going with this. </p><p>"Oh yeah?" </p><p>"Yeah." He whispered. </p><p>"I know everything about you. I have poured myself over your teachings, I have sung your Vedas, I have committed every part of your body to my memory." Ben sighed in response. </p><p>"But Jill, that's not me. I'm somebody else. I'm…" </p><p>"What?" She questioned, leaning back a bit. </p><p>"Nothing, nothing." He shook his head. </p><p>"Good." She surged forward and suddenly her hands were everywhere and she was kissing him and he was overwhelmed but not in a good way this time. Not in a good way. </p><p>Ben scrunched his face up and raised his hands, palms facing outwards as he leaned back slightly, Jill leaning even farther forward in response as he squeezed his eyes shut and waited for the overwhelming feeling to go away, waited for himself to get used to the feeling so that he could do anything else other than freeze in place. </p><p>Jill was pushing into him and Klaus was pushing him out all while Ben was pushing away the numbness of death that came with Klaus pushing him out and it was all too much and- </p><p>"Klaus, you got a sec?" Diego's voice sounded from behind him and Jill stopped pushing and so did Klaus and Ben turned to quickly look at the brother who hadn't acknowledged him in so long, hadn't <i>seen</i> him in so long. </p><p>"Diego!" </p><p>"Come on, we gotta go." He turned and began to wait, expecting Ben, expecting Klaus, to stand and begin to follow him, and Ben shot up from his spot on the ground. </p><p>"Yeah." He said in Diego's direction before turning to Jill. "I'll be right back." Be probably wouldn't be. At least, not <i>Ben</i>. "I promise."</p><p>She nodded quickly. "Okay, okay." </p><p>Ben began walking forward and Diego grabbed his arm, causing a shock to go up it at the sudden contact. "Let's go." Ben nodded quickly and allowed himself to be dragged along, not minding the way Diego's fingers dug into his arm. He barely felt the pain. </p><p>Diego looked around warily as he spoke. "You need to come with me."</p><p>"Where?" </p><p>"Five found a way home." </p><p>Ben relished in the way he was being spoken to directly and giggled. "It's so great to talk to you again Diego." He said sincerely, earning an exasperated look in response. </p><p>"Did you hear what I just said?" He asked, dropping not-Bens arm. Ben pushed away the feeling of sadness at the loss of touch in favor of turning to watch Diego as they walked. </p><p>"Yeah." </p><p>"Are you high Klaus?" He asked, annoyance in his tone, and Ben shook his head quickly. </p><p>"No, I'm not Klaus." Diego stopped walking to fix him with an incredulous look. "I'm Ben." He pointed towards himself,  and Diego rolled his eyes and began to move forward again. </p><p>"You <i>are</i> high." Ben felt panic rising in his chest. "Look, I don't have time for this-"</p><p>"I can prove it." He said quickly, desperation obvious in his voice as he stopped Diego from walking any further. "Ask me something only Ben would know." Ben stomped down the hope beginning to bloom in his heart. Diego wouldn't believe him, no one would. </p><p>"Okay." Diego complied, and Ben breathed a small sigh of relief. "When we were little, what did you reprogram Allison's Teddy Ruxpin to say?" </p><p>Ben smiled and sighed again as he tilted his head. "Luther sniffs dads underwear." </p><p>Diego backed away from him, looking at him with surprise and slowly growing hope. "Holy shit." He covered his mouth to hide his smile before surging forward and wrapping Ben in a hug. </p><p>God, Ben hasn't been hugged in so long. It's been so long. </p><p>He tried not to think about it as he wrapped his arms around Diego's back quickly, squeezing his eyes shut and attempting to make the moment last as long as he could, securing it quickly into his memory before reluctantly letting go, immediately missing the warmth he felt with his brothers arms around him. </p><p>"I don't get it." Diego leaned back, hands on Bens sides. "Klaus said you didn't make it to Dallas."</p><p>Ben huffed a sigh and rolled his eyes. "Well, Klaus says a lot of things, but guess what?" He started excitedly. "I can possess him now," Diego moved his hands to put them on Ben's face, and he tried not to close his eyes at the contact as he continued speaking. "And it's freaking awesome." </p><p>"Okay, you can tell me all about it on the way back to 2019. Okay?" Diego started to move forward, a hand on not-Bens back as they walked side by side. </p><p>"What about Destiny's children?" He questioned. "We can't just leave them. Klaus should be the one to tell them-"</p><p>"Oh, no no no no okay?" Diego cut him off. "You stay in this body. We need someone responsible behind the wheel to get Klaus to the alley, okay?"</p><p>Ben pushed away the painful pang of guilt to nod quickly at the brother he hadn't spoken to in so long. "Okay, okay. But I just need ten minutes. Ten minutes."</p><p>Diego paused, looking down at his watch before speaking. "Actually, there is something I need to do first." Diego moved one of his hands to Ben's shoulder, patting it gently before speaking again and pulling the hand away. "Meet me in the alley behind Elliott's in 30 minutes, okay?" Ben nodded quickly. "Do not be late."</p><p>"I won't." Diego gave him a disbelieving look, and Ben was reminded so much of when they were kids that it hurt. "I won't." He insisted, and Diego finally nodded. </p><p>"Good to see you, brother." Diego smiled genuinely at him as he put a quick hand on his face. </p><p>"You too." Ben patted his arm before Diego turned,  pulling away and walking out of the mansions garden quickly. </p><p>Ben stood and watched Diego for a moment until he was out of sight before turning and beginning to walk back towards the mansion. He stopped in his place when he felt Klaus push even harder than before. Hard enough to where he could almost feel the phantom pains of the horror again. He pulled himself back in and pushed away the numbness as quickly as he could with a whispered 'oh no.'</p><p>Ben stood, frozen for only a second before running quickly into the mansion and beginning to grab all the things he knew that Klaus would want back in 2019. </p><p>Not that Klaus was making it easy on him with his continuous attempts to push Ben out of his body, back into the afterlife. But no. That wasn't going to happen, not until Ben was ready to give it up. Not until he was ready to go back into the numb state of feeling and dimmed senses that came with being dead. Not until he was ready to know that he would never experience this ever again. </p><p>Now that he had been given a taste of it, a taste of being able to talk to his siblings, a taste of being able to touch fully, not impeded by the ghostly preview of life, he wanted more. </p><p>Ben wanted to eat more strawberries. Wanted to hug his siblings, talk to them. He wanted to feel the wind on his face, wanted to hold a book of his choosing in his hands and feel the cover. Wanted to be able to walk into a room and hear all the people in it. He wanted it all. </p><p>He quickly grabbed some cash shoved underneath the couch cushions when Klaus finally paused in his incessant pushing for a moment, shoving it into not-his pocket before grabbing the dog tags that had been discarded onto the table earlier and putting those around not-his neck. Sure, he's an asshole, but that didn't mean he didn't know how much the dog tags meant to his brother. </p><p>Even in his fairly unstable current state of mind where Ben was willing to do just about anything and so desperate to just hold onto this taste of life for a little longer, somewhere in his subconscious he knew that this wouldn't last forever. He pushed that thought away and focused on how he could fully feel the door knob beneath his hand as he opened the back door of the mansion, walking quickly out as he avoided it's inhabitants. </p><p>He didn't do a very good job of sneaking around, he found out as Keechie came up behind him out the mansions back door and called out to him. </p><p>"Hey!" Ben sighed and turned to face him. "Uh, Prophet, Prophet, where are you going?" </p><p>Ben searched for something to say. "Uh, quick vision quest. Be back in a few… years? Maybe." He shrugged and turned quickly away, about to start running before Keechies voice stopped him once again. </p><p>"Wait! Who will bless the pool waters?" Ben huffed and turned back to him, holding out his hands as he spoke. </p><p>"You can do it, Keechie. You can do everything from now on." Ben insisted. </p><p>"No, Prophet, I can't." He sounded hopeless, and Ben felt a pang of guilt hit him for the second time that day. These people's lives were ruined, and it was all his and Klaus' fault. </p><p>"Keechie," Ben started, exasperation written all over his tone as he walked quickly towards him. "Bless the water, bless the air, bless whatever the hell you want for all I care. Would you just do one thing for me? One thing."</p><p>He nodded quickly. "Yes, of course Prophet, anything."</p><p>"Tell Jill, that rolling in the dirt with her was the greatest moment of my life." Keechie nodded again, and Ben turned and started to run in the direction of the alley before Keechie stopped him one more time. </p><p>"Prophet, wait!" Ben groaned and turned to face him, but didn't move any closer. </p><p>"Any last words of wisdom before you go?" He begged, and Ben sputtered for a moment, searching his head for any song that he could think of. </p><p>"Oh, my god! We're back, again." He slapped himself internally but kept going on anyways as he started to walk backwards. "Brothers, sisters, everybody sing! We're gonna bring you the flavor, we're gonna show you how." </p><p>Ben froze in place for a second as Keechie stared at him before turning and breaking into a run towards the alley. </p><p>The run to the alley was simultaneously the shortest and longest event of Ben's afterlife. It was also one of the worst. </p><p>He found that funny, later on. The fact that what he considered the best time of his 'life' came right before the worst time was ironic, to say the least. </p><p>What would've been a five minute run to Elliott's was extended by another five minutes due to both Keechies hold up and Klaus' incessant pushing. </p><p>Which was fair, Ben guessed later on when he was finally thinking straight, not overwhelmed and consumed with desperation. He wouldn't want anyone inside of him either, especially if that person was his brother that he had been stuck with for the last seventeen years. </p><p>Realizing that later on didn't make the current experience any better, though. </p><p>Ben was running and he could feel the ground as not-his feet slammed into it with every step, could still feel the gravity still weighing him down, could feel the wind against his face, the sun beating down on him, could feel Klaus pushing him out, could feel the horror start to creep back in if Klaus pushed him far enough. But most of all, he felt the numbness creeping back in, covering him with a blanket of un-feeling. </p><p>Even as Klaus took breaks in his attempts to push Ben out, the numbness never fully went away. It didn't matter if he had fully re-possessed Klaus again or not, the numbness stayed. </p><p>His hearing became muted once again, dimming to the point where the only thing he could hear were Klaus' groans and repeatings of 'get out.' Ben could no longer hear the people arguing about a movie a street away, could no longer hear the music drifting out the open window of Elliott's neighbor's house. He cursed himself for not appreciating the full hearing while he still could. </p><p>The colors were slowly getting dimmer. Ben had already forgotten that colors were dim, muted, as a ghost. He had forgotten about that just as quickly as he had forgotten that colors were bright when you were alive. </p><p>The numbness was slowly creeping back in. And he didn't want it. </p><p>He didn't want to go back. He <i>couldn't</i> go back. So, as Klaus attempted to push him out, Ben pulled himself back in, continuing to run down the alley even through Klaus' pushing, even through the panic he felt at the idea of going completely back. Back to his muted senses, back to a world he couldn't feel. </p><p>He was desperate, he would admit to himself later on. He was desperate not only to see the rest of his siblings but also to experience the things he missed out on. </p><p>He wanted to go to a restaurant and smell and taste the foods. He wanted to talk to more people, people who weren't his siblings. He wanted to have the life he never got. The life that his supposed father had taken away from him. The life that he probably didn't deserve. </p><p>So, as they ran down the streets, Ben pushed against the numbness as much as he could, pulled himself into Klaus as he too continued to grow desperate, desperate for his body back. Ben was too blinded by his own panic and desperation to see it. </p><p>It was hard to see past the layers of numbness pushing into him, the amounts of panic, the still overwhelming feeling of gravity, the way he could still taste the strawberries he had eaten only an hour before. Not that that was an excuse, though. </p><p>They ran the few blocks, a constant state of movement, pushing and pulling as the people on the sidewalks stared at them. Not that Ben noticed, he was a little preoccupied in that moment. </p><p>At their steady pace, Ben and Klaus turned into the alley behind Elliott's, but as soon as Klaus spotted Five and Luther at the end of the alley, staring at them strangely, he began to push Ben out even harder than he had before. </p><p>When they stopped running and ended up in front of Luther and Five, Ben somehow pulled himself in enough to mutter a 'we made it' as the numbness continued to creep onto him, almost fully around him by that point. </p><p>"What do you mean, we?" He could faintly hear Five question from behind him, but he didn't have enough energy to respond and Klaus was too busy in his attempts to get Ben out as he said 'get out' over and over again under his breath. </p><p>Klaus pushed at him one last time, Ben pulling just as hard in response before he stopped, shuddering and wrapping his arms around himself out of Ben's control. He turned to the side, and threw up. </p><p>Not only did he just throw up, but he threw Ben up. And it was… not fun, to say the least. From Ben's perspective, anyways. </p><p>Actually, now that he thinks about it, it couldn't have been great from Klaus' perspective either. </p><p>But it was especially not great for Ben, considering the fact that he ended up crashing into the hard ground of the alley, covered in vomit.</p><p>Not that he could feel it. </p><p>The blanket of numbness was over him once again, muting his senses. He brought a vomit covered arm up to his nose, wondering whether or not he had regained the slight sense of smell that he had but regretting it immediately as he threw his arm back down by his side, attempting to ignore his siblings moans as he attempted to adjust to the feeling of gravity no longer doing its work on him. Ben had always hated change. </p><p>Adjusting back to being a ghost was… weird. It was easier, quicker, than adjusting to possession and almost being alive again. Not that he'd ever fully adjusted to it. There wasn't enough time to do so. </p><p>Considering the fact that Ben has been dead for seventeen years before possessing Klaus and had only been kind of alive-but-not-really for a few hours in total, he thought that that was fair. The adjustment period, anyways. </p><p>It didn't take long to grow used to being back as a ghost, being back in a state of muted senses. Though, the fact that the numbness slowly crept in probably helped that, he supposed. </p><p>Ben had known that he was desperate, had known that having just a taste of what it was like to be alive again would do more harm than good, had known that what he really wanted would never become a possibility. </p><p>What he hadn't known is that it would hurt this much. </p><p>(He couldn't taste the strawberries anymore.)</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I hope you cried jfkskdksk</p><p>!!!!! And the title is from the song sister of pearl because tears jfkskxms</p></blockquote></div></div>
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